well shut my mouth

About a week ago now, I walked out of a very difficult meeting, feeling totally defeated with my inability to express my thoughts. I’m very much an intuitive creative person…and way off the charts as an introvert. I have always felt that my verbal communication skills were lacking…I’m quite slow to form my thoughts and push them out of my mouth. And sometimes, my thoughts never make it from my brain to my mouth…they just get jumbled up somewhere in a big glob of goo. I knew what I was up against in this meeting. I knew that the person my husband and I were meeting with was a gifted communicator. It’s what he does…and he can spar with the best of orators, winning an argument with great ease. So, the pressure was on…and I was definitely feeling it. The morning of the meeting, at my husband’s request, I sat down and organized my thoughts. I wrote everything down. I even rehearsed my arguments in my mind. And after an hour or so, I felt that I was as prepared as I would ever be, so I prayed a prayer that went something like this.

“O God, help me…please help me. I am so out of my league here. Please Holy Spirit, speak through me…you know, like Moses, I am of stumbling lips. I’ve done everything I can do…so here it is…please help me.”

I went in our bathroom to continue getting ready…we have dress codes where I’m employed, and they don’t involve white bath robes and gnarly slippers. So as I’m puttering around, the thought comes to me, “…like Daniel in the lions den…God shut the mouths of the lions.” I let that roll around in my head for awhile finally deciding to get my Bible and read the story about Daniel in the lions den.

"At the first light of dawn, the king got up and hurried to the lions' den. 20 When he came near the den, he called to Daniel in an anguished voice, "Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God, whom you serve continually, been able to rescue you from the lions?"21 Daniel answered, "O king, live forever! 22 My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong before you, O king."23 The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den. And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God." ~Daniel 6 [NIV]

A little smirk started pulling at the corners of my mouth. “God, are You saying to me what I think You’re saying?” And then I started laughing. “Okay fine, then I’m praying it…Jesus, please send your angel to close the mouths of the lions in my meeting today…Amen.”

So fast forward a couple hours, I walked into the meeting, sat down at the table and felt pretty convinced that I was going to stoically and very logically deliver my well prepared thoughts…I was ready and so let’s get this show on the road. Unfortunately, the meeting didn’t go as I had envisioned. From the get-go, there was disagreement and bickering about the most insignificant details, and I found myself sliding deeper and deeper into my chair…my mind was tied in knots and I totally lost my ability to figure out where to even start. All I wanted to do was run from the room and just forget it all. About that time, another person in the meeting asked me a question. I went to answer it and nothing came out. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nada. Zip. And to add insult to injury...I started to cry. “Crap. I’m crying. I don’t want to cry. Now there are 4 men looking at me while I cry and mumble unintelligible things [as my voice gets higher and higher]. They probably think I’m an idiot. Are you kidding?…”I” think I’m an idiot.” And on it went…this uncomfortable silence. Me crying and rambling…not making a lick of sense. I don’t even know now what I said exactly. I left the meeting feeling like an absolute fool…wondering why God allowed this…what a waste of time.

Until today. Today, I realized that indeed, my God did shut the mouths of lions. There were moments in that meeting that were painfully quiet. And God accomplished that in the only way that He knew it would happen…through my stupid tears. God knew that my best verbal arguments would only have fueled the fire. My tears spoke in ways that my mouth could not.

It never happens like you think it’s going to, does it? But it does happen…and God does answer. Maybe my prayer should always be, “God, just shut my mouth.” My husband would probably say a resounding “Amen” to that.

~SKW